3 Meaningful Things to Say to Someone Struggling with Self-Injury
The first time I tried to quit self-injuring, I made it less than eight hours. I was fifteen years old, and had promised myself that I wouldn’t cut again. Resolute in my decision, I got ready for school and headed out the door. By the time the final bell rang, I had a new cut I was hiding, courtesy of a moment of desperation in a dimly lit bathroom.
Over the next decade, I tried to quit cutting dozens and dozens of times. Sometimes, I made it a few days, sometimes a week, and occasionally a month or two, but I always went back to what was familiar. During that period, there were a few people in my life who knew of my struggle and spoke truth and encouragement over me.
At the time, I brushed them off. I thought I was undeserving of any compassion or grace, and had a hard time accepting anything of the sort. In spite of my reactions, those people reminded me again and again that I was loved, and their words became songs I played on repeat when I was alone.
If someone you love is struggling with self-injury, you may be afraid of saying the wrong thing or somehow making things worse. If that’s you, here are three things you can say to the person you love:
I’m proud of you. Self-injury carries with it an immense amount of self-imposed shame. To have someone say they’re proud of you, especially in the midst of your struggle, is extraordinarily powerful. Remind them often, because they'll forget.
I know you’re trying. One of the worst things about trying to quit self-harming is that slip-ups are incredibly obvious, to yourself and to others. When you’re trying your hardest to quit, it’s difficult to have to face constant reminders of the fact that your efforts weren’t enough. Acknowledging their efforts, especially when they slip up, will help reduce their shame that comes from feeling like they’ve failed again.
I love you, and I’m here for you. Don’t add a “but” or an “except” or any other caveat. Let them know you love them exactly as they are, today, and that you’re on their team.
Bonus tip: ask your loved one if there’s anything you can do to support them as they try. They might have an answer, or they might not, but the fact you cared enough to ask will be appreciated.
If you are the one struggling, be gentle and patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. I’m standing with you, and I’m so proud of you.